An indicator of my outlook in life
is whether I am smoking tobacco or flossing
today I did both
I'm thinking of sending my sister the song that reminds me of her
I am worried it would hurt her feelings
Or otherwise give her some idea that I am being subtextual in my relating
"
The night has just begun
can you cover what you're hiding from
something beautiful and dangerous
what we keep close to us
My little runaway
I wonder where you are
WIll you be back someday?
My little runaway
" -Runaway by Beach House
I think about how she told me she suffers when she is alone.
She's culture hopping now.
Just be a good person
I tell myself
after deciding that I don't fit into my social worlds
while trying to maintain friendships that are outgrowing me
I can't relate. I can't relate.
I'm sorry that is happening
I can't relate.
[Get me out of here]
I need my silence for a while.
Meanwhile, I've curated my Bumble profile
Screaming for attention
Angry that I don't see anyone
Who is clever enough to entice me
Who is experienced as Brian was
in the art of embodying
the alcoholic I could love.
Dreams mean everything to me
I don't dream when I am high
I told myself not to
But here I am spinning my wheels
This is the part where I go on
a condescending rampage regarding myself
About how if only if only
I were more outgoing.
About how if only
he didn't go by S[redacted]
If only I could steal him away
and grow with him
in a way that mattered.
The yang to my yin, I tell ya
And when I tell ya
how ashamed I am
of how I wanted him so,
it makes me feel stupid.
The responsible one in my brain who won
Who never tried to get a hold of him.
After we shared such warmth together.
After the loving he words he directed toward me,
about my character, and how I was.
Confusion, I can name you
But I can never take your power away
By talking myself into a corner
I'm agitated
The waters are stirred
And I can't remember who
I was
That time I really enjoyed being me
Or that other time I really enjoyed my company
It was the
wordless
nameless
joy of being known
and appreciated
By someone who
Looked like he ate the glass after he drank the bottle
And finished it with a cigarette.